.....God is.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body."  Psalm 139:15

It was a fear that someone would mistake her for a normal child and take her while I ran into the convenience store to pay for gas.  She was such a pretty little girl.  Then they would find out later that she was unable to understand or do anything.  She wouldn't understand what was happening.  What would they do with her?

It is a fear that she would stay in a place that did not give her enough attention.  She would just lay.  She would not understand why or what was happening.  She wouldn't know why she is alone, not standing, not going for a walk with the dog or going for a ride in her van.  What would she be feeling and thinking?

How do we battle these fears that threaten to overtake us as we care for our children?

The answer is found in peace...a peace that passes understanding.  He will guard our hearts and minds from fear so we can have this special kind of peace.  He can see and know all.  The dark is as light to Him.  He will care for every detail about them. 

This knowing helps us to not become overwhelmed with worry.  We can be safe, alert and provide as much protection as humanly possible.  However, we must come to an end and God must start.  To allow Him to be in ultimate control is our goal.

The innocent cannot fight for themselves, they cannot protect themselves, they cannot speak for themselves.  The thought of harm and evil hurting them is more than we can bear at times.  They are totally at the mercy of the One who loves them more than we will ever be able to.

God is the one who knew them when they were formed in the depths of the earth.  Where is that?  This is more than we can comprehend.  We must trust in His power to create, control and know everything.

How can we even think that we are their only hope and help?  How can we even think that their life depends on our provision and abilities as a parent?

He formed them before we knew they were.  He knew the plans He has for them before we knew of their coming.  They belong to Him.

He is the maker, protector and Father.  We must work to turn them over to Him daily.  Do your best to do all that God tells you to do as a parent, then let God care for His child.  He saw their unformed body and knew all their days before one of them came to be.  They belong to Him.

We must humble ourselves and internalize the truths of Him who created life.  We need to let go of that which was never really ours, our children.

Trust Him; He is a mighty Father to the weakest as well as to the strongest. 

Wherever they are....God is.



Hands In Our Lives

As I sat at the Christmas Ladies Banquet, I looked around the room at the many
women there. I had a thought about all of the hands I could see in that room.

The devotion was on 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter.  The speaker explained
that cooking a beautiful meal made you only a cook, not a homemaker, without love.
That creating beautiful matching Christmas decorations in your home makes you only
a decorator, not a wife, without love. That buying and wrapping presents to give to
your children makes you only a gift giver, not a mom, without love.

Each woman sitting at the tables has a heart full of love.  That love is given to all those
in her life, her family, her church, her community and her country.

It is said, "The hand that rocks the craddle rules the world."
I say, " The hand that works in love gives joy and strength to the world."

As I thought about this I prayed, "Jesus, pour your Spirit into the hearts of these women
so that they might touch lives with your love in their hands."

How you depend on women, Lord!  To comfort a broken heart or to help in times of need.
You know the strong passion a woman can have to stand up for those she loves.
You know how a woman would work to exhaustion to help the loved one who is sick.
And you know that sometimes only their hands can give the inspiration to live.

These hands I see have been through so much.  Some have seen more sorrow then
any could bear.  Some are working now in situations they don't know how long
they can endure.  Yet, some young hands don't know what the future holds.

You, Lord, know that the tired, old hands that I see have strength beyond
what they might lift.
             
             Strength to endure, to persevere, to see beauty in ashes.  They touch others
             with that strength and love; they lead others onward to the prize; they give
             out the power that Jesus pours down.

He counts on these hands.   These hands that belong to grandmas, mothers, aunts,
sisters and daughters.  These hands are your vessels to do the work only they can do.

May each pair of hands hear the heart as it listens to your gentle Spirit giving:
                                                                                                            
                            WISDOM, GUIDANCE, HOPE AND LOVE

May these hands be your hands to show
                                                                      your strength,
                                                                                                your joy and
                                                                                                                   your love.

Paving the Way

A kitchen that had dirt coming in at the window.
A potbelly stove that needed wood and ashes emptied.
An extra person living in your house with a bedroom wall that needed care.

Grandma cooked three meals a day with no running water or electricity.
The indoor work was not all, there were calves that wanted milk and
chickens that wanted fed.

No e-mail, cell phone, television, or web to relax and be entertained by.

This was her way of life.

As my life became hard in different ways I drew strength from her example of
perseverance.  I would think of how she lived with little material wealth or comfort.
And I thought, so can I.

She paved the way to a simple life.

She supported her husband as shown in God's word to be the helpmate that she should.
She could wait to have things done or fixed.  Her marriage meant more than screen doors.
Family was priority, making meals and giving care.  People were important.
To show a smile and listen to their cares.

An unselfish and joyful attitude was how she chose to go about her day.
Visiting at her house was so nice.  She served you food and rubbed your toes.

She paved the way to see, to know and to live out the value of family.

She paved the way by living with few material needs but still having a heart full of joy.

She paved the way by building up those she spoke to and making each one know their importance.

How she lived her life paved the way for me...
                                                                             to know it can be done.
                                                                             to know that it is a valuable life to live.
                                                                             to know how important laughing can be.
AND
                  to know that worth, acceptance and security can all be rolled up in one
                  approving, smiling face of love.
                                      

Eternal Value

The clutter...what means anything of sentemental value to her?
The stuffed bear wearing a stethescope and jacket from the hospital.
The Christmas gift from years past that sits on the shelf.

We struggle with what to keep to remember.
Does Sarah remember things?

She remembers a voice of kindness, a voice she has heard many times before.
She remembers a song and instument that she enjoys.
She remembers a gesture given in love or play.

But does she remember the bracelet given to her or the special toy brought from far away?
Does she value worldly things that we value, things that we can't seem to do without.

Moving "stuff" from one end of the house to the other year after year.
Some is given away, some thrown away but alot is kept to remember.

How much time do we spend on "stuff"?
Did I enjoy that "stuff" or has it become a burden?
What ties me to it now?  Memories of the past?

Each day new memories are made.
Each day allows valuable time to be spent in valuable ways.

If somethng is taking away my time from a relationship...
If something is causing me to be irritable and tired...
If something is draining the "good" I have inside...

Is it necessary? Is it needed? Why do I keep the "stuff"?

What thing do I have, what thing do I do that has eternal value.

What will make a difference when my life is done, when the new order of things has come?



Isaiah 65: 17-18
"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.

But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will
create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.

Revelation 21:4
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or
mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Prayer

The most precious thing we have is to be able to talk to God, to pray.
He hears all we say and will always reply.
The answer may be "No" or it may be "Yes".
Still, the answer could be "Wait".

We pray for those we love.  That they will hear what Jesus is saying to them.
That they will take His perfect path.
That they will be protected wherever they go.

But how do I pray for my child who is unaware of decisions, who has no future goals?

She does not fight the good fight like her siblings.
She does not decide if something is right or wrong and then make a choice between them.
She does not resist temptation, for she can't be tempted by satan.
She doesn't understand or know these things.

How do I pray for the one who will not ever live on her own. 
Who will not have her own home or a job with challenges.
Who will not travel alone or go to a mission field far away.

These are all things adults may come to do that a Mom includes in her prayers.

When the prayer around the table is said she cannot add any request.
She can't ask for strength to get through a difficult time.
There are no words she can use.
She only knows security, love, joy and satisfaction in her life.

This is my prayer for my daughter:

Lord, use her today in whatever way you desire in the lives of those around her.

Whether it is a thought she brings to mind, a reminder to make amends

 or to just make me stronger. Use her to cause others to hear Your voice,

 what You are calling them to think or do.

Help others to think about the purpose of this life, about heaven and hell.

To teach them to show love and to know a compassion they didn't know they had.

She is what she is, Lord.  She is here on earth by your design.

Work in and through her, for she is an open vessel protected by you.

I thank you that satan cannot tempt or use her to work anything for bad.

She is unable to sin but she is of this fallen human race.

A race of people who kill their own, who cheat, steal and destroy.

She is a part of this fallen world but she is unaccountable.

She cannot answer for this sinful state.

God use her innocence and openness to work Your glory

 in the world around her and to further Your kingdom.

There are many who will never work for the kingdom, as you planned.

 Before a breath was breathed they were taken out of this world.

She has work to do here.

You know what it is.

Help me to not get in your way but to work by Your side.

Lord, may Your will be done in her life.

In Jesus' name I ask this, Amen

Thought:   There is a plan for each life whether they are allowed to come into this world or not.

Conception: The beating begins

"This is Sarah.", my relative introduced.
Visiting in their home, he barely gave a side ward glance.


"They have a test for that, to find out if a baby is normal.",
he stated as he walked on past.


Excited to see them, I didn't really comprehend his full meaning.
We went on to chat, she and I.  Sarah rode in her stroller down the
country road as their story was told.

They could not get pregnant. Two terminations and several
miscarriages.  Yet, the timing of that perfect baby will surely come.
I wondered what will be the cost?

How many have heard, "The baby will have a disability." 
As you wait you fear all kinds of things. 
Then the perfect baby arrives and the physician
sighs, "I guess I was off, there is nothing wrong with this little one."

To interrupt the beating of a heart is to kill the heart...the life.

The thought of life beginning or life ending brings out our deepest emotions.

As I left that day, the pain of his attitude went deep inside.

Can they not know that she is our flesh and blood.
Can they not see that we love her no matter what.
That she has a beating heart.
That we love "Her", not the things that are wrong with her.
This child, who is part of us.

It is hard to know the joy given by one who takes so much care.
One who will always be dependant.
One who is so limited in how she lives.
One who will not make one intelligent comment.....ever.

They cannot know the intense love that is deep in your soul.
For her to have surgery and let her go.  She doesn't know.
They cannot know the fulfilling joy of seeing her smile at you each morning.
Her eyes twinkling brightly as her love is shown.

God created the heart.
It begins beating at conception.
When that rhythm is interrupted, the heart is dead...the life is stopped.

A beating heart means joy and happiness no matter how the body
is around the heart. 

Truth is Truth.
Life is Life and God formed each one.




Psalm 139:13
"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my Mother's womb."



____________________________________________________________________

Communication

The bus's "backup beep" that we heard each morning meant good times for Sarah.
It meant "I had better have her ready to go!" for me.

Noises communicate.  Touch communicates.  Actions communicate.

The interviewer asked, "Does she communicate?"
That was never a yes/no question to me.
I would explain how we know what she wants and needs.  We can read her eyes and facial expressions.
She also vocalizes.  The interviewer would mark "No" anyway.
There was no place for anything but Yes/No on the tests and reports.
No room for "unique".

An older teacher stated, "The goal should be for her to communicate "yes" and "no".
I thought, "Are you kidding?"
I argued that at three years old I have not seen any evidence to believe that she could do this.
Someone like our child had never been in their school. We were paving the way.

Emotional anxiety came with knowing what your child needed but having to convince others who
believed they knew what was best.  To deal with laws, forms, regulation, goals, annual plans, caseworkers and teachers became overwhelming.  It was hard not to become very angry when someone would not listen. "I know her, I spend alot of time with her." I would explain.

Twenty years of meetings has taught me patience.
I don't know how many of those well thought out goals were met.
I do know that without all the help in the schools our child could not have progressed as far as she has.

Many people helped us through the years: nurses, speech therapist, physical therapist, occupational therapist, superintendents, principals, classroom teachers, LD teachers, bus people and many paraprofessionals.

Sarah loved school, riding the bus, seeing the kids, talking with the adults and all the activities at the schools. I am so thankful for the schools.

Many children in the schools loved her and helped take care of her.
I believe all the people who knew Sarah at school will remember her throughout their life.
They will remember because she was unique.  Because she was different.

What did she communicate?

Differences

When a baby is born they have their own language.
The parents figure out what this sound means or what that look means.
They then go about giving the infant what they are "telling" them is needed.

The toddler can show happiness, sadness, anger or anticipation.
They use their arms to hit or hug, their legs to run or stomp
and their mouth to scream or laugh.

Then your child learns words and begins to know your own language.
The child becomes like you. You understand how they think.
You know what excites them and what scares them.

With our special infant we thought she was responding like a normal infant.
Then when we found out she was not normal we began learning her language.
And yes she has her own language.

Big, bright eyes mean she is happy.
A frown with intense eyes mean she is hurting.
Searching eyes mean she hears someone she knows.
Her many facial expressions always mean something.

She can be anticipating something or she can be excited to see someone
or she is very interested in something she might see or hear.

We "know" her communication better than anyone...still, it can be so
strange and unfamiliar.

She can laugh hysterically over a certain sound.
Like when her brother and sister made a balloon squeal as the air came out.
She can get wild and crazy playing in the stander and knock off the tin pan
she was playing with only to laugh at the loud sound it made hitting the floor.
She can vocalize with loud sounds at inconvenient  times.
Like when we are watching T.V., her brother will then say, "Be Quiet!"
and push at her arm.  Then we say, "Quit Daniel! Leave her alone."
Either way no one heard the T.V. But Sarah is still happy!

Only Jesus knows what things mean in Sarah's language.
He will tell us one day.
But will it matter in our heavenly home?
Will it matter that we did not know what she was thinking?



It is a short time on this earth and an eternity in our heavenly home.

Humility

Humility is putting others needs before your own.
I thought I was doing this, after all I was always doing for others.

Did I honor them? or were they just a chore to complete?

Humility is being willing to go through the hard times.
To do things for others...really for others even if no one sees it or thanks you for it.

I had pride.

Pride said, "My way is the best way."
                  "I know what God wants."
                  "My timing will work better."
                  " My feelings are most important."

Pride will destroy and take people away from you.
Pride tried to steal our marriage.

"I am sick and tired of all her care."
"I deserve to be treated better."
"I deserve to have my own time."
"I deserve to be happy!"

Pride can thread its way through many generations.  It becomes hidden.
The lies are believed and soon the lies become truth to the third and fourth generation.
That thread can choke.

Pride said, "I want you to do my project."
                  "I feed her all the time, you feed her this time."
                  "You pay the bills, I am too tired."

Did I put myself in his shoes?
Did I know what it was like at his work?
Was I treating him like I wanted to be treated?

Pride is the secret invader.  It wants you to stand tall and let your rights be known and fought for.
Pride wants you to think you are being unselfish when down deep its all about you.

Jesus was willing to do the hard thing, the undeserving thing, the humbling thing because
He loves us more.

Jesus could have had pride.
He was the creator of all things...but He was more concerned with His relationship with us.
He wants us to be with Him in eternity. 
So He humbled himself.

How then can we have the right to be prideful?

Humility can save a relationship.

To My Dad

How very much I love you Dad.
You are there for me to protect me,
to lift me and to sit by me.

I couldn't make it on this earth without you.

You are my strength when I can't move.
You are my eyes when I can't see.
You are my voice when I can't speak.
You are my legs when I can't walk.

I need you for so many things.
I can't wait until we are together in heaven.

In heaven I will run to you and hug you
with all my might and say, "I Love You, Daddy!"
I will twirl, jump, and lift my hands in joy.'

Then we will walk together to the throne to receive
your reward for all you have done for me.

I will be so proud of you! You are my Daddy!

Love, Sarah Kristeen


Isaiah 35:5-6
"Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
 Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue will sing."


II Timothy 4: 7-8
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord
 the righteous judge, will award to me on that day."

The College Girl

College...classes, grades, friends, fun, leaving home and getting a job.

We were so very blessed that many came to find their job at our home.
Some came to give to us, others needed what we could give to them.

College girls are energetic, joyful, strong and willing to learn!

How to feed.
How to bath.
How to do range of motion.
How to deal with seizures.
So much to learn for someone so young.

Our daughter only knew hands that played, touched and cared. 
She only had total acceptance to give. 
She never rejected or judged she only smiled and loved.

What did they learn from our family, our home, our struggles.
What did they take with them as they launched into their own lives.
How will God use the experiences they had with our special child?

Will God give them a child with only a few needs or a child as severe as ours
when they have a family of their own?

Will they ever meet another person with a disability or will they have
extra love for each one they meet whether on the street or in the church?

How will God use this ministry in our home?
So many helpers, so many hours, so much blessing, so much stress.

Yes!  The Lord knows how each one will need this knowledge.
This knowledge of valuing a person no matter what that person can do.
This knowledge of what is really important in this world full of walking,
talking human beings.

Is she human?  She can't care for herself in even the smallest detail.
Left alone she would die.
This dependency, this innocence is hard to see as a gift of love.
Can they see the eternal lessons?

The smiles, the sounds of joy that only she can give make their way to
each heart that enters our door.  Many young women have a special love for her.
This love will then abound more and more and touch others as they go on in life.

The value of human life.
The worth of a person.
The joy that can come from one that is so helpless.
These are the things that she has taught each girl who has come to our home.

Maybe Jesus meant for her to teach them in a lesson of humanity
that no one else could teach.

Maybe Jesus has used her to teach much harder, much more important
lessons.....eternal lessons in unconditional love and acceptance.

I wonder what God will do in each life?




Psalm 139: 13-16
"For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I will praise You because I am unique in remarkable ways.
Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.  My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began."

Raising Children

To know that you did things right.
To know that all that work paid off.
To know your heart's desire.

You work all your life with the one thought, to make a life.
It seems that it was for nothing.
Take a look through God's eyes.
He has something different.

He saw your pain.
He saw your heart.
He knew why your road was hard.

Still water runs deep.
It's hard to know what is kept inside.
What was caught as we taught.
How will they react in life?

How will they use their talents?
We leave it to Jesus.
We can take no credit. They were His all along.

Only by His guidance and strength did we set a good example.
Only by His protection were they safe.
We can never take credit for the handiwork of God.
He made them and He will protect and keep them.

Big Sister

How exciting it was when the new baby sister arrived!
She had lots of jet black hair.  Big sister had lots of blond hair.

Lots of kittens, pigs and trees at the home of just us three.
We were young and thinking of all we needed to be happy.
We went to church but Jesus did not reign.

She was so excited to get a Bible when she turned three.
"Look Grandma! I got a Bible for my birthday!" 
She said this as she pulled Grandma to sit and look at the pictures with her.

Every VBS and Christmas program she had six adults to watch, two parents and four grandparents.
She was the first grandchild on both sides and the apple of everyone's eye.

When she was born she had ten grandparents! Amazing!
At her first birthday party eight grandparents came to celebrate and say,
"How old are you?" 
She would put one finger high above her head and show off to all as she rode her rocking horse up and down.

She learned to walk at Blue Ridge.
She learned to talk at Maryville.
She learned to share at Pickering.
She knew that Jesus always cares.



Thought:    Jesus can walk through the generations but someone must start.

Times Two

They were not twins but everything was double.
Two diapers, two cribs, two car seats, two highchairs and two feedings.

The trips to Children's Mercy included one more.
That one more was on the move.
We had to watch closely for crawling over her, pulling her hair or getting something over her face.

An invisible boundary was established, unknowingly.
He would go, but she needed care.
I would call out for him to keep him close. 
Soon I didn't need to call he just stayed close while I cared for her.

The day came when the boundary was discovered.
Why is he only going that far?  Why won't he run further out?
"Go on you can run out there," I urged him.
That was all he needed.  He has been running ever since.

We had wonderful college girls come to our home.
They gave her attention and care.
Wait.....he thinks they are here for him.
He runs to the door excitedly.
He knew she would turn him upside down by his feet before she helped his sister.

Diaper changing time was routine.
She was on a blanket on the floor. Change one and then the other.
Stand one up to go off to play.  Leave the other to lay and play.
Repeated actions make thinking go automatic.

She can stand but not balance.
Oops! Wrong one to run and play. It's the other one I found out just in time.

Big sister was wonderful. She could run and get or rescue or entertain.
There was always something that needed done.
Will she ever know how much she really helped?
Even if he did seem like a little bug.




Thought:  Jesus provides what and who we need to get through the trials in life.

BLESSINGS!

"I think we can handle two children with disabilities if that's what happens."  This was my thought as we discussed having a third child.  We wanted to try again.

It was a go from the start.  Confirming our determination to follow God's will.  No one knew if this child would be O.K. but we were excited to have a new one on the way.  Life was good with two beautiful girls, one six and the other ten months.

"No, it wasn't an accident!"  I wanted to shout as I pushed away the feelings of judgement and guilt.
I thought others were staring at us; a very pregnant mom holding a nineteen month old on my hip.
I was excited to be pregnant.  I was trusting in God.

I thought I could hear people say, "Can't you see what a 'mistake' you already have."
She is not a mistake!  I argued in my head.  We love her just the way she is!

"No, I don't want a test to see if the baby has a disability!" I told the doctor.  This is a life knit together by God.  This baby will be a blessing no matter what!

"WOW!, what was that?", I asked in fear.
He made his presence known with the hardest kick I'd ever felt.  I hope all is well inside.
We didn't know.

It took energy and I was tired as I cared for her on the outside and the new one on the inside.
Oh, but so exciting to us to watch and wait for a this new life.
What will our future hold? We had hope.

"It's a boy! It's a boy! I knew you could do it!", his father shouted.
Yes, he had strong muscles in his legs like we had not seen before.
Everything about him was beautiful!
He was a miracle sent from above.




Thought:  Worrying about what others think keeps you from hearing God's voice.

Adjusting

She will never walk, talk or run.
The truth was told to grandparents on that hot July day.
Her brain is smooth.  It did not develop right.
The question, "Why?:...again.

The second grandchild to four people. 
What emotions and thoughts did they have?
The death of what you thought you had. 
A fear of what the future held.

We were just as proud and loved her just as much.
"What a pity!", the old relative said as she looked at her.
This made us angry and hurt.
How could others see her as someone to pity?

She was our child given to us to love here on the earth.
We cared for her each day while the background to our lives held questions.
What would the future hold?  Can we do this?
Life went on with work, home, church and family.

She was used by God to teach patience, perseverance and trust.
Life was hard.  God gave the strength.
We had to keep going, keep it all together...and we did with
the one constant question pulling us down
"What did we do to cause this?"



Thought:  A calm mind and heart works best.

Acceptance

The sound became familiar. That sound of a seizure beginning.  Your stomach tenses, you get up again, you watch and you wait.  Will it be short or will we rush to the hospital. You try not to think about death but you wonder.  Is this the time? How long will we have her?  Will I plan a funeral tomorrow?

"No, I don't want to care for a child that is mentally and physically disabled!"  I cried as I hit the water with my fist.  Seizure meds on time.  Seizure meds on time.   Count and record the seizures, describe each seizure to report later. Will the medication work?

Daddy wanted her to have her own life and her own family.  He sat with tears in his eyes.  the news hit him hard.  Mommy took the news differently.  She just thought of the here and now, the next feeding, where to change her diaper. She still had her baby to care for and hug.

"You can call me at home if you need to." the neurologist told us.  "She sure looks like she is doing well," he stated as he looked at her plump cheeks. This is the day the grief process began.  The child we thought we had was gone.  The new child we now have is one to discover. 




Thought:  Fear can take over and be your boss if you let it.

The answer

Really? We got the house at that price?
We sat below the big bay window.
Two beautiful girls and a mommy who loves them.
It was a big, big house with lots and lots of room.
We had a joyful time moving in.

The specialist did not want us to see the MRI results.
He led us out of the office to come again soon.
The yellow and white truck made several long trips.
Two adults and a four month old baby.

Why is she having seizures?
I thought we had a perfect baby girl.
She is beautiful in every way.  Her eyes don't seem to follow me.
That's no big deal really.
There is no reason for this!

Lissencephaly. "It is very rare."
"I only have a few pages from a text book to give to you for information."
These were the words that rang in our ears.

Failure to thrive.  Usually the child only lives one year.
As I looked in the crib I wondered when God would take her home.
Will we have her tomorrow still?




Thought:   Panic never helps anyone.

Future Plans?

There were snakes on the rocky hill side.
Please keep our daughter safe. 
They were fishing in the lake while I lay in the camper not feeling well. 
The vacation was perfect with mountains, lakes and hikes in the woods. 
She enjoyed playing cards in the camper with her dad.

Back to work after a joyful trip. 
No, he didn't want to take me to the hospital; he would be late for work.
I insisted.
The surgeon stated, "You need to wait outside."  Now he was worried and pacing the floor.
I do not want to lie down.  The nurse was annoying.
My left shoulder hurt when I lay down, this was the warning sign the Doctor spoke of.
Emergency surgery was required.  Internal bleeding was caught in time.
The little one was back in heaven.

"You can try again in six months," the Doctor stated. "I don't know IF you can have more."
Will our family always be only three? We wanted four.
It's time to try again.  Seven long months went by.
What will our future be?
Yes! We are pregnant again!




Thought:  Jesus will carry you through when you ask him to.

What? Why?

He held the glass up to her small mouth and nose.
She was breathing, just barely.
Why were her eyes not seeing and why was she shaking her arms?

"It was a seizure," the doctor stated.
No reason why this should happen.
No clue, unless the optometrist knew.
"Sometimes eyes cannot see because the brain is not communicating with the eyes."

Back home to wonder why.
More doctors, more time.
Seizure medications were started and side effects were documented. 
It took driving two and a half hours to see the specialist.
Several tests and several months went by.

Still we wondered why.
The birth was normal, she was beautiful, she smiled at us, she ate well.
What went wrong?
Only days before it all began we had realized our dream,
"Two little girls and a new home!"
"Yes! we would not be raising our little girl by herself, she would have a sister."
"Life is good!"



Thought:   God prepares us for the hard times a little at a time.

A window can be slammed shut or it can be thrown open wide.  It is all in the decision of the one who has their hands on the window.

A window can allow the light of happiness and love in. It is all in the decision of the one who pulls the blind.

A window can allow fresh air and the scent of flowers in. It is all in the heart of the one who can decide to smell the good around them.

I am given a chance to see Him thru the window of experiences in my life.  I did not choose this window, I was not happy about this window.

Each experience, each act of obedience and each revelation revealed is another way to see more of Him.

 I am so thankful that Jesus helped me to see the view through this window, this window of my life.